Your First Custody Hearing

What a first hearing usually is, and what it is not

Most first hearings are not the trial you have pictured. Depending on your state and your case, the first time in front of a judge may be a temporary orders hearing, a status or scheduling conference, a hearing on a specific motion, or a hearing after mediation did not resolve everything. Some courts hold the first session with a commissioner or magistrate rather than a judge.

Your notice tells you which kind you have. Read it twice. It usually states the date, time, courtroom or virtual link, the type of hearing, how long it is set for, and sometimes what you must file or exchange beforehand. If anything is unclear, call the clerk's office; clerks cannot give legal advice, but they can explain procedure and deadlines.

In the weeks before: deadlines, filings, and exchanges

Many courts require that documents be filed and exchanged with the other side a set number of days before a hearing. Some require a written statement of your position, a proposed order, a financial declaration, a proposed parenting plan, or a list of exhibits and witnesses. The notice, the local rules, or your court's self-help center will say what applies to you.

Calendar every date you can find, then work backward. Late filings are often refused, and a judge may not consider a document the other side never received. If you have an attorney, ask what they need from you and by when. If you do not, your court's self-help center or family law facilitator can often confirm what must be filed.

Organize your exhibits so the judge can follow them

An exhibit is simply a document or record you want the court to look at: a text thread, a school attendance record, a calendar of parenting time, a photograph. Rules about how exhibits are marked, exchanged, and admitted differ by court, so ask the clerk or self-help center how your courtroom handles them. The habits below help everywhere.

Prepare what you will say

Courtrooms reward brevity and composure. Judges have read the file and have a schedule. Your job is to tell the court, clearly and calmly, what you are asking for, why it serves your child, and what records support it.

Practice out loud, twice. Then cut it. If you are nervous, write your first sentence on an index card; once you have said it, the rest usually follows.

In the courtroom

Arrive early enough to find the room, check in with the clerk or bailiff as your court requires, and silence your phone. Dress as you would for an important job interview. Stand when the judge enters and when you speak, unless told otherwise. Address the judge as "Your Honor," and address the other parent through the court rather than directly.

You will probably hear things you disagree with. Do not interrupt, shake your head, or react. Write a note and wait for your turn; the judge will usually give you one. When you respond, correct the record with facts and a source rather than with a characterization of the other parent.

If you do not understand something, say so politely. "Your Honor, may I ask what that means for the schedule this weekend?" is a reasonable question, and judges generally prefer it to a confused silence.

What to expect from the other side

The other parent, or their attorney, will present a different version of events. Some of it may be accurate and uncomfortable. Some may be exaggerated. Your credibility is one of your strongest assets, so protect it: concede what is true, correct what is not with a record, and let the rest go.

If allegations are raised that you were not expecting, do not improvise a defense. Tell the court you were not aware of the allegation, ask for the opportunity to respond, and ask what the court needs from you. Then talk to an attorney as soon as you can.

Before you leave, and the days after

Most hearings end with the judge announcing a decision or taking it under advisement. Either way, make sure you understand what was ordered, who is drafting the written order, when it takes effect, and the next date.

• I know what the court ordered today, in plain words.
• I know who is preparing the written order and when I will receive it.
• I know the next court date and what must be filed before it.
• I know what I must do differently starting now (exchanges, communication, payments).
• I have written down anything I did not understand to ask about.
• I have the contact for the clerk, self-help center, or my attorney.

Then follow the order exactly, even the parts you disagree with. Compliance is itself evidence. Keep logging parenting time and communication in your journal; the next hearing will be built on what happens between now and then.

The night before

If you can, keep this to half an hour. Preparation that runs past midnight rarely helps in the morning.

1. 0 to 10 minReread the notice and any orders. Confirm the time, courtroom or link, and what you were told to bring.
2. 10 to 20 minAssemble the exhibit sets: index on top, exhibits in order, copies as required. Add your proposed order or plan if you have one.
3. 20 to 27 minSay your two-minute statement out loud twice. Write your first sentence on a card.
4. 27 to 30 minLay out your clothes, your documents, your ID, a notepad, and two pens. Set two alarms. Plan to arrive thirty minutes early.

Walking in steady

You will not control the outcome of a hearing, and you do not need to. What you control is whether the court can understand what you are asking for, whether your records support it, and whether you conduct yourself as the parent you are asking the court to trust. Prepare those three things, show up early, and speak plainly. That is what a good first hearing looks like.